Thirty minutes ago I swept & mopped my floors. Now it's covered with chicken nuggets, fries & juice. Gggggggrrrrrrrhhhhh!
Say a prayer for me when you get a chance. I have come to the conclusion that I am not satisfied with my life. And it is over the top overwhelming. I am not satisfied with myself, my marraige, my relationship with God, my parenting, the list could go on.
The past couple of days I have shed lots of tears. Whispered lots of prayers. And moped around wondering what is next for me in my life.
Frustrated doesn't even begin to describe it. Disappointment covers a portion of my emotions. Crazy is how I feel. Desperate is how I feel. Outraged is how I feel.
I am not one for confrontation -unless pushed to fight. I am good at forgiving, I am good at letting go. In general I am good at moving on. But at this point in my life I am pushed to fight. I HATE living a mediocer life!!!!!!!!!! But I have given all I have & there is nothing left. But my best has not been good enough. My best is lousy in comparison to my hopes.
My present FEELS worst than my past. That may not make a lot of sense. But I know what God has brought me from. I know that my present isn't all that bad, yet I am not satisfied.
Part of me feels guilty & ungrateful. I have been changed & brought from darkness to light. Still I am not satisfied. Still I struggle.
I am spent, empty. And desire to be broken & pieced back together. Yet I stay the same. I am not satisfied.
It seems that Sam and I share children. We share space. And that is all. But our desires are different. Our goals seem different. In short it seems we are going our own ways. I have lost respect for him. And it scares me. I want to respect & honor him but it is not with me. I am scared for our marraige. Honor & respect are a what a christian wife should do. I KNOW what to do -even knowing that we will be blessed if I obey it still seems an impossible goal.
Although Sam has things he needs to work on (don't we all) he doesn't deserve my attitude, thoughts, or this kind of exposure but I mean business. I need this release. Please pray for Sam.
Not to long ago I decided that since being a mom is ALL I do that I should be excellent at it. But I'm not. At least not right now. There are things I desire to do but don't. They deserve more than I am offering. Please pray for my children.
As for me. I lost my heart several years ago. Life as I knew it fell to pieces. And they haven't all been place back in the right spot. This sounds silly I know. But if I can allow myself to be broken one more time it may be worth it. To someone who is not a christian I probably sound CRAZY!!!! Even christians may be confused by this.....YIKES- I need God's help!
I am not satisfied. I am terrified. I do have hope. Please forgive me for laying such a personal thing out in the open....but I have very few outlets at this point. And I trust you to pray.
I know all the right answers. We will be fine, we'll work on our marriage, I will get past my emotions. Just right now at this moment I am facing a GIANT so to speak. And all I want to do is run the other way. But what I need to do is pick up a stone and start throwing!!!!!!
OK, that's all I can speak of for right now. I ask for your prayers and hope that I won't regret being so transparent. I love my husband & children but I'm not satisfied.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Hi.
Posted by native-nc at 2:51 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Tiff, I can honestly say that I know where you're coming from. Marriage, children, staying at home, living with family, feeling like you aren't sure what your purpose is.... I struggle with something on that list DAILY. There was something that a wise woman told me that has helped me move out of some of that. She told me that words are powerful (we all know that), and that I should take control of that. So she encouraged me to look up purpose in the Bible, and forgiveness... the two things I was struggling with. Then she encouraged me to pray OUT LOUD every day for God to increase my awareness of my purpose. And then to pray OUT LOUD everyday and say, "I forgive______, Lord." A couple of months came and went and I followed her instructions. I'm not saying I'm a perfect wife and mother, cause that is FAR from the truth. But I can tell you that where there was bitterness, there is peace. And where there was a hopelessness, there is a passionate purpose. I may fall short often, but we all have a Savior who fills in that gap. I love you girl. It took a lot to open up your heart and lay yourself bare and vulnerable. I will be praying for you.
i don't know what to say. i love you.
I want you to know I read this and am going to email you, I have alot to say and don't want to write a book on your comment section. I love you!!
Love you Shelly Bean.... (more to come)
Don't regret being transparent. It's a beautiful thing. It's also your given right to share how you feel. Life stinks sometimes. We all have been and are right now going through rough patches. I sometimes have to fight my giants on a daily basis.
Remember you are not alone. Us girls, even via the computer are here to lift you up. When you open up & share your pain, hurts & frustrations, it allows others who have been silenced, feel that they too can speak of their stories. Thank you for being brave, even though you don't feel that way right now.
Post a Comment