Today I have two cats at my house for a short visit. My friend is moving to Alabama and needed a few hours away in order to get everything finished up. So there here in their cages and Justus is scaring the junk out of them. She didn't bring the litter box so they can't get out :( I took the tamer of the two out for a few minutes because Justus was so curious. He always chases them around when we are over there for dinner but they have good hiding places so he's never actually gotten to hold either one. J's been trying to figure out a way to get into their cages for about 15 minutes now. I need visitors to come while I try to do the little things such as make the bed, start a load of clothes etc. Then they would take 5 minutes instead of 15.
I always have an adventure when trying to make the bed b/c J wants to play hide and seek under the sheets and then the comforter. I always end up laughing at him. He's a great kid!
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Visitors
Livingroom from the kitchen
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Timeout
Today I put Justus in his crib because I needed a timeout. I was trying unsucessfully to get one mess cleaned up. And ever the explorer he wanted to be in on the fun, making more messes of course.
I wanted to get this one thing done but it was impossible. Then I started getting mad, eventually he ended up in the bed for 2 minutes allowing me time to get finished and cool down.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Lyrics
This was on a christian teens blog that I stumbled on. Anyways I liked them, so here you go.
She feels lost in her life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be
Tired for trying to do it right
Her dreams are just to far away to see how steps she's making
Might be taking her to who she'll be
Chorus:And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be
And after all the tears I was supposed to be here
She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose if she moves away from who she was
And she's afraid of being free
There's a way she knows is right
She can't feel the things she knows
And so each step she's taking is a step of faith toward who she'll be
And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear and the light is farthest back
And through her tears she can't see the dawn is coming
Skies will clear and the light will find her where she's always been
She told me which band it was but I can't remember right now. What do you think??
Friday, June 24, 2005
Midnight
Sam's at the church doing a lock-in with the youth kids. I thought about taking Justus up there for a few hours but was to tired. Ha Ha here it is midnight and I am still awake. Guess a few hours woundn't have been too bad after all. Justus just went to sleep at 11:30.
I went with momma to walmart before Sam left for the lock in. On the way there my brother Josh called and they talked to whole way to walmart. It is hard for me to even hear his name sometimes. It makes me very sad that our relationship hasn't been the same since we left Florida & he stayed there.
Since we left Florida he has gotten married. He and his wife were our staff members for our Master's Commission team. It feels like I lost a brother and it's very sad. Whenever we try to talk I can't find any words. I hate it! It makes me cry but I con't know how to get past the feelings that still seem so raw.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
YOU are special!
A friend emailed this to me, just wanted to share with you all.
Happiness keeps you sweet,
Trials keep you strong,
Sorrows keep you human,
Failures keep you humble,
Sucess keeps you glowing,
BUT only GOD keeps you going!
As we daily find ourselves in need of our savior it's good to remember how to get through all of lives situations...only God keeps us going!
Ranch Dressing
Yesterday at supper time I walked out of the room to get my plate, Justus evidently wasn't contained very well. When I came back in he was covered head to toe in Ranch dressing. OOPs, I guess a minute alone is to much for my son. I'm gonna have to trim it down to thirty seconds. He really likes dressings of any kind with carrots, celery, and cucumbers. He was licking his fingers and jumping on the chair. It was so funny! He's done this once before but last time it was with lotion, head to toe. He thought it was tasty too. I got him on video that time. Right now my digital camera is out of commission :( Sorry you didn't get the same laugh I did.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Out of shape, out of breath
A friend is moving out of state and is giving away stuff she doesn't want to deal with anymore. One of those items is a treadmill, so I grabbed it up and made sam bring it home for me last night. Well I don't know how much I will use it but now I don't have an excuse not to exercise.
Well I plugged it in and got on it to see how it works. It does and I don't! After two minutes on the "fat burning" cycle I was out of breath and dizzy. I think the dizzy part was because of my ears. No excuses otherwise. Guess I'll have to take it slow.
Ring, ring, ring
When I woke up this morning I felt a little wierd. My ears were hurting & ringing. I can still hear out of them but everything is a little distorted. I guess my alergies have had enough and I need to stay inside for a few days. Yesterday we took Justus into the pool so that must have been overload. Guess some alergy medicine is in order.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
6am wake up call
You guessed it, Justus was up at 6am this morning. He was kind enough to lay in the bed until 6:30 when Sam's alarm went off. I of course couldn't go back to sleep but it was nice to sit there and rest. He fell asleep early last night around 8:30. He had been a grump all evening, so we thought he needed the extra sleep. Well no more extra sleep for him! It could cost me my sanity. We usually get up around 9, we've already had lunch and it isn't noon yet. I guess we will have a snack this afternoon.
Also, I forgot to tell you guys that I gave my pastor a copy of that super long, bump in the road. I figured he deserved to know what was happening. So we will see what happens. So far I have felt better just having everything out in the open. And knowing that I have support from friends and family. Ignoring problems does no good!
Staci was supposed to come by after breakfast with her granny. Guess she got busy with something else. I am hoping to take Justus out into the pool today. It's been overcast and cool so the water has been to cold for him.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
20 minutes of church!!!!
An all time record since we have been at foursquare. Yep, I actually got to be in church for a few praise & worship songs, and then popped back in for a few minutes of the sermon. It was OH so nice, just to be an adult for a few minutes!!!! They took the children to the playground first thing today. Justus is an outdoors boy, so he made little to no fuss until they brought him in. Well it was nice & I'll keep trying until he gets the hang of the nursery.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Oh happy day.
Don't you just love it when your car battery goes dead, one week after having a flat tire, & only a few weeks after the air conditioning stops working!!!! Well that was just the start of this lovely day. It continued with Sam & I having a fight :( For which I will have to apologize later...I was way to angry. Followed by a whirlwind trip to Walmart. HELP...our car is falling apart. And there is no money to make repairs or buy a new one. A happier thought though is that we only paid $1000 for it. And it has lasted the past five years, since we have been married. WOW-we've been blessed!
After Walmart, mom and I hopped in the truck and went to the church to get ready for the father/son banquet. It was of course the girls turn to cook & clean, since the men did it for mothers day. We were there from 3:30 to 7:30. Not to bad, that included prep., cooking and cleaning. They played games and ate. It turned out pretty good. I'm tired! And that my friend was my lovely day!
Friday, June 17, 2005
MIA
Haven't been keeping in touch lately....Justus & I have been busy being silly. Most of the week passed by with nothing exciting to write about. But yesterday we spent the morning with my mom and the afternoon with Staci, her mom and sister. I had a great time! And hope to get to spend at least one more day with her before she goes back to Texas.
My back is burnt from playing in their pool for several hours. It was Justus first time and I think he liked it. I am very excited because Staci's mom gave me their old pool so now I can take Justus out in it during the week for excercise and to tire him out...I will probably be more tired than him. Anyways we had wanted to get a pool this year but didn't really save enough money to do it...God answered my prayers.
That may sound silly but Justus really likes to be outside but I get overheated quickly. I think the pool will cool me down enough to chase him around for a while! Thanks Denise!!! You really blessed us!
Sam comes home today and I can't wait. This week apart has been good for me, I realized how special Sam is and how much he does around here. I've missed him alot. It will be great to watch Justus's eyes when he sees his daddy. I'm going to go straighten up while I have a chance.
Mind your own business...
Yesterday mom & I went all across town getting things together for the father/son cookout(father's day). Our major stop was at walmart where we had three carts worth of food and other items to buy. Most of the checkout lines were pretty busy but one cashier had finished with no one waiting and told us to come to her line. She was at a 20 items or less register, but we weren't going to argue with her. If she was willing we were ready! As we were headed out, the older lady said: "You shouldn't use that line it is so inconsiderate of others, I can't believe people are so rude these days",.....she kept on mumbling. Mom & I so wanted to tell her to mind her own business and that she was the one being rude since she had butted in and had no clue what had happened. We walked the other way mumbling to ourselves all the things we wanted to say but chose not to. We would have been just as bad.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Slither
Yesterday we didn't get home from church until 2:30. An hour of that time was spent in the car taking Brandon & Brandon home. Justus fell asleep of course so when we actually got home he was ready to eat and play. I was exhausted, it was my turn to "teach" in the new class that they just moved Justus to. There were 7 kids in a tiny room. Not much fun!! I just wanted to come home and take a nap.
Eventually Justus got tired & we both layed down for 45 min. It was nice but as I was waking up I heard something fall from the ceiling. I thought it was a mouse or something so I sat really still to see if I could hear it scuttle off. I waited but finally was to syked out to sit still any longer so I jumped up & saw something quickly slither off my bed. .....I HATE it when Sam's not here!
I kept thinking about it last night trying to decide what it was and exactly how I was going to sleep with it in the same room as me. The answer was that I didn't. Not soundly anyways, I kept slapping imaginary things on the bed all night long. Around 6am my mind gave up and I slept until Justus woke up at 9. We already took one nap & I'm ready for the next one any time now.
This will probably be an interesting week & I am looking forward to spending lots of time with Justus. Hopefully I will get motivated and do some deep cleaning!!! Also hoping that I don't see the "slither" again!!!!
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Yesterday
Yesterday I slept until sometime near noon. Sam took Justus to work with him so I could have a day of quiet. That of course didn't happen once I actually got out of bed because my cousin came for a visit. He is almost three years old and is staying the whole weekend. In order to remedy a case of lonelisness my sister brought my nephew Brandon to play. And of course throw Justus in the mix and it's a mad house!
Also Justus is now on Albuteral for his allergies. It usually makes people hyper but so far has had the opposite effect on him. I wait until he is dead tired, give it to him and put him down for a nap. He sleeps about an hour and wakes up a happy camper!!!!YEAH!
I have taken a couple pics of the boys and hope to have time to show you soon!
STOP..read my bump in the road first! One entry down.
Well just as I was wrapping up the previous novel Justus woke up. I gave him a bottle, changed his diaper& put him into our bed with Sam hoping he would go back to bed but he kept sitting up, talking to me. I took a potty break & got into bed. I layed there listening to Justus snore softly & holding Sams hand. Thanking God that he hasn't given up on me. Well Justus couldn't get comfortable and kept flip flopping and so I layed there thinking some moire. I want you to know that there are many, many details I've left out that have gotten me to where I am now. And maybe someday I will share them too. Today I think I've shared enough. At least on the bumpy road subject. I must say I feel much better having it in writing.
Friday, June 10, 2005
My bump in the road...
I'm in the dark right now, the boys are asleep and as has become a ritual I am awake. It's 1:40 and instead of laying in bed for the next 3 hours I decided to share what I don't really know how to explain, so please pardon the length of this novel I am about to write. When I get good and tired I will turn the computer back off & crawl back into bed for a few hours of sleep before the whole house rises to meet the day. For the past while I have been fighting battles in the dark and haven't been able to exactly pinpoint the problem and therefore haven't really known what to do. Don't worry I haven't lost my mind except for the occassional one minute break while slowly counting to ten so I don't scream & yell at Justus. If you are a parent I'm pretty sure you know what I mean. If this doesn't make any sense I don't care I'm writing for my benefit even though I know you will read of all the clutter in my mind. The past 18-24 months of my life have been utter chaos and Staci/Nic have both heard bits & pieces of the story, probably more than they wanted to hear--thanks so much for truly caring. For the rest of you maybe I can write this from a christian point of view, but please pardon me if I go off the deep end a few times. My emotions have gotten the best of me & my flesh is rising up more than I want it to. Frankly, I'm just plain tired.
Up until Feb of last year my life was scheduled around Master's Commission. No not revolved around but scheduled. That's where Sam & I met that's almost 8 years ago. As most of you remember everyone thought we had it in for each other from the beginning. An absolute NO NO! Can I share a little secret?? I didn't like Sam until the whole "list" came out and even then he was only a crush, one of 7 or eight different guys. WHOA- don't think I'm too crazy, what's wrong with a crush??? Wasn't it the acting on it part that would get you in trouble. I must say we never acted on it even in the summer following first year. Blah, Blah, Blah, nothing to do with the bump in the road. That came several years later, in Fl. And it's aftermath.
Anyways after our 3rd year in MC we got married and headed off to Ohio to direct a Master's. I must say it was a very interesting couple of years and we learned a lot of what we did and did not want. In our marriage and ministry. So when we had the opportunity to start an MC from scratch we jumped. And fell hard. The first year was a blast. We loved the church, they loved us. Bliss, bliss, bliss. THe following summer our pastor had a hip replacement so he was out of commission for the entire summer break. Meanwhile things at the church were going full speed ahead but in a different direction than I wanted to go. Something was stirring in my spirit but I ignored it.
We also found out I was pregnant then and I thought maybe my feelings were related to all the "pregnancy hormones". Well we continued on the MC path with our second year of students in Fl. And by Thankgiving break one of the girls had conviced herself that Sam was God's gift to her.(By this time I was nice and round and all out of sorts) And Sam of course being a man didn't see the signs or choose to ignore them. That caused a lot of pain for me. Even now I sometimes get paranoid about not being pretty enough, smart enough, etc. YES- I know it's all Satans lies! Well I tried to explain this to him without looking like the jealous pregnant wife. Please forgive the pathetic, poor me sound but I have to get it out.
I know that my husband had pure intentions but his execution of the problem sucked! He ignored it until I got in his face and said we needed some counseling. He said he was afraid that he would lose his job if he told the pastor we needed time to ourselves or counseling or help of any kind. At the time I thought it was pride and I was so ticked!!!!!! Now I know it was confusion & fear from the enemy. I figured if he wouldn't listen to me then I knew God would so I directed all my hurt and frustration upward. I got an answer that I didn't like but at the same time I was relieved that God handled the problem I couldn't even touch. We got fired! There were times I blamed myself for praying so hard that God would do something, anything...oh well, all I can say is be careful what you pray for, the answer might not come as expected!
Oh did I mention that Justus was born two weeks earlier, yep that donkey pastor waited until my mom had left (she stayed the first two weeks to help me) and then called us into his office and said: and I quote " I love your integrity, you guys have served with excellence. But I feel like I have to let you go; effective immediately." "You haven't done anything wrong, I just feel like this is what God wants me to do". What a lame excuse-get a backbone, tell us what is really going on....
I truly believe lightening still might strike him dead and whenever I start to feel hatred towards the man I have to make myself pray that he will never be treated the way he treated us! (I sometimes cry when I think of the people we left behind there however I know God is sovreign and working it out for my good.) Two weeks later he wrote a letter to the MCIN, saying we were fired for about 5 different reason which were of course NEVER discussed with us, only with other people. My personal opinion is that is was 95% lies, 5% fluff. It really knocked the life out of Sam for a while. What hurt the most was that we didn't get to finish our year out with the students....our motto for the year "start strong, finish strong" probably familiar to all you alumni.
Needless to say we were completely cut off from the MC world. None of our "friends" at the MCIN would return our calls, they weren't in any way interested in us, not even to see how Justus was, he was after all born 5 weeks early. I know I'm having a pity party but just writing it down is relieving so much pressure, the rage is starting to die down. After this happened I realized that those few friends who already knew some of the details were even more precious than I had first believed.
I remember the baby shower you guys held for us at Kingwood, I cry almost every time I think about it. Then I laugh, at Cori who made a mess or was it Crystal? That is a bitter sweet memory b/c Mrs. Peggy dropped off a gift but PS didn't even get out of the car to say hey or see Justus or ask how we were coping. I was so dissappointed, almost crushed but of course after time we bounced back, now I don't give a rip. Glad he didn't waste my time! Yes you detect some bitterness, more on the still hurt but want to forgive side.
Moving on, after three months of nothing more than eating, sleeping, & taking care of Justus, Sam finally decided to get a job. And instead of working at a plant where he could make $12 starting pay with benefits he wanted to work at the good ole YMCA for $6.25/hr. Maybe I expected too much but I was at this time starting to freak out b/c we had NO MONEY, sound familiar??? Why work for so little when you could make much more??? I still don't understand but that's part of faith, right???
For those first few months I put my emotions on hold b/c sam was so fragile I just wanted to put on a happy face and encourage, comfort him. It was a big mistake b/c once he shook it off & worked things out with God he was gone. The same old busy for God, man that I love. Meanwhile I was left in the dust, and still broken. And learning to be a mom...lots of hard work for me! And joy too. Justus has been a saving grace in this situation, giving me a reason to keep trying. However nothing can replace a face to face relationship with our father. And here we meet my bump.
IN January Sam decided to take a part time job as a youth pastor, I was less than excited. Prayer became increasingly difficult, and the bible foreign. And Justus kept me even busier than I could imagine. I have struggled and struggled to let God have his way in my heart but it feels locked up and I can't figure out how to get it open. Fighting isn't my forte. I can throw an attitude, smile a big fat fake smile, and anything else but, I'm to tired to fight.
After two months of "living" at the church I gave up. I stopped playing church, I only go to church on Sundays. It was to hard chasing Justus around all day, and trying to get work done. Sam & I would fight about whose turn it was to "watch" him so that the other one could actually get work done; it wasn't fair to Justus. Finally I had had enough & just said to sam- do it your way! I'm staying home tomorrow, and the next day and the next day. It didn' bother me at first, I was just being pig headed.
Now though it bothers me. The girls think I don't like them, not true...when I actually can pray, it's them on my heart. I think of singing with the youth praise team but am to afraid. I don't want to be fake b/c teens know all about fake. Here's another lie I've listen to: My relationship w/ God isn't exactly where it needs to be so I couldn't minister to them. I know, I know....what am I waiting for???? I have the opportunity to make a difference.
The answer is still unknown b/c no matter what I know, I can't seem to make myself to the right thing. Things are still strained between Sam & I. I still don't want to go to church and put on the fake happy face. I do want to be genuine, I do want to be a history maker. I do want Justus to have a Godly mother, I want to show Sam my support. I do, I do, I do! But I just can't get over the bump. Are you tired?? I'm tired!!!!!
It's now 3:15 and the bed is calling my name but I still have to share a few things, so here goes. My mom & sis think that I have post partum depression or just depression period. The thought kind of scared me at first but now I don't give a rip. It would make a lot of sense but I'm still not convinced. My self diagnosis is ---wrestling with God syndrome w/ maybe a little shame on the side.
My symptoms include: short fuse, mostly with sam but sometimes with others ( I think I am still trying to blame sam and at the same time expecting great things), tired ALL the time. Even when I have actually slept. EMMM what else??? Can't remember all the things we talked about but I basically ask you to lift me up in prayer whenever you are led by the spirit...none of that pity prayer or half hearted stuff....storm heaven when you get a chance...believe me I'm trying to do my part.
One last comment before I am off to bed: THANKS!!!! It's been so much fun being part of the blog party and being part of your lives. I am encouraged each time I read what's going on in your lives. Good and bad. I know we all face issues, I'm glad I have you guys to face them with!!!! GOODNIGHT!
3:41am
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Battle wounds!
Monday, June 06, 2005
More dreams
This morning when Justus got up sam took him into the livingroom to play. I drifted back to sleep & had an elaborate dream about a huge house and about working at a new ministry. I don't think it was a vision or anything like that b/c the whole time it felt like I was Alice in Wonderland. Everything was so wierd! Still I thought I could share some of my craziness with you all.
First was the ministry part in a daycare/church building similar to Kingwood. There were four young pastors that were telling us all about the job & how they do things. It also reminded me some of the dream center. There were lots & lots of rooms full of children and stuff for teens. The atmosphere was very exciting. After the tour & all that good stuff it was time to go see the house.
In my dream it was a foreclosed house that was selling $600,000 a deeply discounted price. It was structurally in good shape but needed a lot of cosmetic work. I remember thinking that it was like a maze that you couldn't quite figure out. And that fixed up right it could house lots of students, or needy people.
One room had four beds in it& room for about six more, the beds were four poster but the right size four boys. On the floor there was one matress like someone had slept in it right before we got there. Sounding strange? Remember- Alice in wonderland. Everything was out of place for example one door led directly into a pool which looked more like a lake b/c it hadn't been taken care of. Step out the door & land in the water. Other strange things: the food cabinet only had cleaning supplies.
There was a nursery big enough for 10 babies, with a mural on the wall of disney characters. The master bathroom looked like a room that you have when you go on a cruise, with the little port hole window, except the room was huge. I could go on but I won't. And before you ask..I didn't eat anything spicy before bed & no, I'm not pregnant. Although that wouldn't be too bad either.
Who knows why my mind went bazerk this morning but I thought I would fill you in.
Also today on our way to get groceries we got a flat tire, Sam of course changed it & thankfully we had a spare. Which needs air in it. That was another $75 we didn't expect, luckily we had it to spare this month.
My weekend in a minute
You guessed it, time for the weekend update. Though it's nothing to brag about I will still share my thoughts on the past couple of days. Friday wasn't anything special we all came home around 7pm from working at the trailer. It is very slow go having all 4 children to watch while we work but, we do what we can.
Saturday Sam decided to come with us & help but we didn't go early. We waited until Justus woke up at 9:30. Then we got sausage biscuits for everyone and got to work. Sam worked in the living room & cleaned off the walls so the paint would stick. Then he put two coats of paint on the walls. It was a pink color that we happened to have, well it didn't exactly wow everyone. Not sure if it will be the color that stays, poor sam he worked so hard.
Saturday night I went with a friend to the movies & Applebee's, it's been a while since I've been there. It was great go out, the movie made me cry. We say The sisterhood of the traveling pants, I know it sounds goofy but it was actually pretty good. Did I say that I cried?? A lot??
I was feeling pretty emotional that day anyways, so I guess I just needed a good cry. One lady was sobbing in the back, thank God I wasn't that bad.
OK remember when you were a kid & a little embarassed to go somewhere to eat with your family? Well at age 26 I experienced it again with my dad on sunday. He wanted to take us all out to eat, & the whole time he was getting up talking to people. Most of them he knew but some were complete strangers, after such a long time you would think I'd be used to it by now. I know, why should I complain after getting a free meal.
Spiderman was on TV last night so Sam picked up Spiderman 2 on the way home and we watched them both...in my opinion the second one was kind of lame but we watched the whole thing. And will probably watch the third one when/if it comes out. (we will rent it!) And there you have it.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Odds & ends...
Things I forgot to mention...
I have a great husband, he had supper waiting for us when we got home tonight. Chicken, rice, rolls, & brownies. I'm forgetting something.. oh well. You get the picture. Wasn't that nice?
Yesterday Justus was playing with the computer keyboard. A no-no for sure. I told him twice to stop, when he didn't I got up. He started running, tripped & fell on the couch. He hit the wood trim. When I picked him up I expected blood. He hit hard. Instead his head was dented it, which scared me even more! I said something like _oh God! Within two minutes his head started turning purple but the dent was gone! Thank God for miracles.
My little rascal is a climber, tonight he figured out how to get up on our king size bed which is on these little risers in order to store more junk underneath. Then how to climb in & out of his crib, I'm amazed he didn't do this before now. He also knows how to climb onto the couch, then onto the table, etc, etc. He has already started giving me heart attacks. Couldn't he stay an angel a little bit longer??
Stack, can't remember if I told you but Nathan T. & Tracy are now officially engaged. The date is the middle of October.
Trailer nightmares
This entire week has been devoted to cleaning out the place my sister is going to live in. It has been exhausting! 7am -7pm, everyday since monday. We are finally making some headway. It is pretty much cleaned out of all the junk the previous lady left. It has also been disinfected (three rooms anyways). And today we were finally able to start painting. The kids were worse than rugrats today. It has been raining for the past few days so they haven't been free to roam about as usual. I can tell. Those wild things almost drove me crazy!!!!
Now on to the nightmare part! Every night since we began working I've had some kind of nightmare. The first one had to do with the rotting food in the fridge. Then I dreamed about the floor caving in, then about a fire. Finally last night I decided that we needed to annoint the whole thing before they actually move in. Is this a crazy thought???
Sorry i haven't been making comments, I have been reading what's up with you all.
