My bump in the road...

I'm in the dark right now, the boys are asleep and as has become a ritual I am awake. It's 1:40 and instead of laying in bed for the next 3 hours I decided to share what I don't really know how to explain, so please pardon the length of this novel I am about to write. When I get good and tired I will turn the computer back off & crawl back into bed for a few hours of sleep before the whole house rises to meet the day. For the past while I have been fighting battles in the dark and haven't been able to exactly pinpoint the problem and therefore haven't really known what to do. Don't worry I haven't lost my mind except for the occassional one minute break while slowly counting to ten so I don't scream & yell at Justus. If you are a parent I'm pretty sure you know what I mean. If this doesn't make any sense I don't care I'm writing for my benefit even though I know you will read of all the clutter in my mind. The past 18-24 months of my life have been utter chaos and Staci/Nic have both heard bits & pieces of the story, probably more than they wanted to hear--thanks so much for truly caring. For the rest of you maybe I can write this from a christian point of view, but please pardon me if I go off the deep end a few times. My emotions have gotten the best of me & my flesh is rising up more than I want it to. Frankly, I'm just plain tired.

Up until Feb of last year my life was scheduled around Master's Commission. No not revolved around but scheduled. That's where Sam & I met that's almost 8 years ago. As most of you remember everyone thought we had it in for each other from the beginning. An absolute NO NO! Can I share a little secret?? I didn't like Sam until the whole "list" came out and even then he was only a crush, one of 7 or eight different guys. WHOA- don't think I'm too crazy, what's wrong with a crush??? Wasn't it the acting on it part that would get you in trouble. I must say we never acted on it even in the summer following first year. Blah, Blah, Blah, nothing to do with the bump in the road. That came several years later, in Fl. And it's aftermath.

Anyways after our 3rd year in MC we got married and headed off to Ohio to direct a Master's. I must say it was a very interesting couple of years and we learned a lot of what we did and did not want. In our marriage and ministry. So when we had the opportunity to start an MC from scratch we jumped. And fell hard. The first year was a blast. We loved the church, they loved us. Bliss, bliss, bliss. THe following summer our pastor had a hip replacement so he was out of commission for the entire summer break. Meanwhile things at the church were going full speed ahead but in a different direction than I wanted to go. Something was stirring in my spirit but I ignored it.

We also found out I was pregnant then and I thought maybe my feelings were related to all the "pregnancy hormones". Well we continued on the MC path with our second year of students in Fl. And by Thankgiving break one of the girls had conviced herself that Sam was God's gift to her.(By this time I was nice and round and all out of sorts) And Sam of course being a man didn't see the signs or choose to ignore them. That caused a lot of pain for me. Even now I sometimes get paranoid about not being pretty enough, smart enough, etc. YES- I know it's all Satans lies! Well I tried to explain this to him without looking like the jealous pregnant wife. Please forgive the pathetic, poor me sound but I have to get it out.

I know that my husband had pure intentions but his execution of the problem sucked! He ignored it until I got in his face and said we needed some counseling. He said he was afraid that he would lose his job if he told the pastor we needed time to ourselves or counseling or help of any kind. At the time I thought it was pride and I was so ticked!!!!!! Now I know it was confusion & fear from the enemy. I figured if he wouldn't listen to me then I knew God would so I directed all my hurt and frustration upward. I got an answer that I didn't like but at the same time I was relieved that God handled the problem I couldn't even touch. We got fired! There were times I blamed myself for praying so hard that God would do something, anything...oh well, all I can say is be careful what you pray for, the answer might not come as expected!

Oh did I mention that Justus was born two weeks earlier, yep that donkey pastor waited until my mom had left (she stayed the first two weeks to help me) and then called us into his office and said: and I quote " I love your integrity, you guys have served with excellence. But I feel like I have to let you go; effective immediately." "You haven't done anything wrong, I just feel like this is what God wants me to do". What a lame excuse-get a backbone, tell us what is really going on....

I truly believe lightening still might strike him dead and whenever I start to feel hatred towards the man I have to make myself pray that he will never be treated the way he treated us! (I sometimes cry when I think of the people we left behind there however I know God is sovreign and working it out for my good.) Two weeks later he wrote a letter to the MCIN, saying we were fired for about 5 different reason which were of course NEVER discussed with us, only with other people. My personal opinion is that is was 95% lies, 5% fluff. It really knocked the life out of Sam for a while. What hurt the most was that we didn't get to finish our year out with the students....our motto for the year "start strong, finish strong" probably familiar to all you alumni.

Needless to say we were completely cut off from the MC world. None of our "friends" at the MCIN would return our calls, they weren't in any way interested in us, not even to see how Justus was, he was after all born 5 weeks early. I know I'm having a pity party but just writing it down is relieving so much pressure, the rage is starting to die down. After this happened I realized that those few friends who already knew some of the details were even more precious than I had first believed.

I remember the baby shower you guys held for us at Kingwood, I cry almost every time I think about it. Then I laugh, at Cori who made a mess or was it Crystal? That is a bitter sweet memory b/c Mrs. Peggy dropped off a gift but PS didn't even get out of the car to say hey or see Justus or ask how we were coping. I was so dissappointed, almost crushed but of course after time we bounced back, now I don't give a rip. Glad he didn't waste my time! Yes you detect some bitterness, more on the still hurt but want to forgive side.

Moving on, after three months of nothing more than eating, sleeping, & taking care of Justus, Sam finally decided to get a job. And instead of working at a plant where he could make $12 starting pay with benefits he wanted to work at the good ole YMCA for $6.25/hr. Maybe I expected too much but I was at this time starting to freak out b/c we had NO MONEY, sound familiar??? Why work for so little when you could make much more??? I still don't understand but that's part of faith, right???


For those first few months I put my emotions on hold b/c sam was so fragile I just wanted to put on a happy face and encourage, comfort him. It was a big mistake b/c once he shook it off & worked things out with God he was gone. The same old busy for God, man that I love. Meanwhile I was left in the dust, and still broken. And learning to be a mom...lots of hard work for me! And joy too. Justus has been a saving grace in this situation, giving me a reason to keep trying. However nothing can replace a face to face relationship with our father. And here we meet my bump.

IN January Sam decided to take a part time job as a youth pastor, I was less than excited. Prayer became increasingly difficult, and the bible foreign. And Justus kept me even busier than I could imagine. I have struggled and struggled to let God have his way in my heart but it feels locked up and I can't figure out how to get it open. Fighting isn't my forte. I can throw an attitude, smile a big fat fake smile, and anything else but, I'm to tired to fight.

After two months of "living" at the church I gave up. I stopped playing church, I only go to church on Sundays. It was to hard chasing Justus around all day, and trying to get work done. Sam & I would fight about whose turn it was to "watch" him so that the other one could actually get work done; it wasn't fair to Justus. Finally I had had enough & just said to sam- do it your way! I'm staying home tomorrow, and the next day and the next day. It didn' bother me at first, I was just being pig headed.

Now though it bothers me. The girls think I don't like them, not true...when I actually can pray, it's them on my heart. I think of singing with the youth praise team but am to afraid. I don't want to be fake b/c teens know all about fake. Here's another lie I've listen to: My relationship w/ God isn't exactly where it needs to be so I couldn't minister to them. I know, I know....what am I waiting for???? I have the opportunity to make a difference.

The answer is still unknown b/c no matter what I know, I can't seem to make myself to the right thing. Things are still strained between Sam & I. I still don't want to go to church and put on the fake happy face. I do want to be genuine, I do want to be a history maker. I do want Justus to have a Godly mother, I want to show Sam my support. I do, I do, I do! But I just can't get over the bump. Are you tired?? I'm tired!!!!!

It's now 3:15 and the bed is calling my name but I still have to share a few things, so here goes. My mom & sis think that I have post partum depression or just depression period. The thought kind of scared me at first but now I don't give a rip. It would make a lot of sense but I'm still not convinced. My self diagnosis is ---wrestling with God syndrome w/ maybe a little shame on the side.

My symptoms include: short fuse, mostly with sam but sometimes with others ( I think I am still trying to blame sam and at the same time expecting great things), tired ALL the time. Even when I have actually slept. EMMM what else??? Can't remember all the things we talked about but I basically ask you to lift me up in prayer whenever you are led by the spirit...none of that pity prayer or half hearted stuff....storm heaven when you get a chance...believe me I'm trying to do my part.

One last comment before I am off to bed: THANKS!!!! It's been so much fun being part of the blog party and being part of your lives. I am encouraged each time I read what's going on in your lives. Good and bad. I know we all face issues, I'm glad I have you guys to face them with!!!! GOODNIGHT!
3:41am